The Friendship Trap

We like nice people. They are nice to us and it’s easy to be nice to them. We all know how hard it is to deal with difficult people. Such folks are given pejorative names, and we are told we should drop those relationships. Don’t let [those people] get you down!

But for Christians, apart from the command to love the unlovable, loving our neighbors, and loving even our enemies (they are enemies by the way!), we also must think about how to deal with nice people. Nice people are sinners too.

NICE PEOPLE GET A PASS?

Nice people in our lives can get a pass because they are pleasant. They have civility, social graces, and cultured texture to their thought and speech. If you are in leadership or have big responsibilities, you may appreciate a nice person who carries similar responsibilities in their field. Nice people can receive many concessions from Christians simply because of these natural capacities and social sophistication.

Yet when well-mannered people sin, their manners don’t excuse them. Some of the most eloquent writers who profess to be Christians may not be viewed positively by their divorced spouses. Other Christian thought leaders, like Francis Collins, have been praised for their “faithful presence” among the institutional elite, yet Collins has endorsed arguably anti-Christian ethics.

THE CASE OF FRANCIS COLLINS

Collins is especially a case in point because he wrote an eloquent eulogy for his friend Tim Keller, published in the establishment outlet, Christianity Today. Collins, who is documented as supporting the sodomy agenda, bioethical terrors as well as misleading Christians about Covid policy (see Megan Basham’s comprehensive report), claimed one of the most influential pastors in the world as his close friend. Collins appears to be a very nice man. But can his public ethics square with this Christian profession? They cannot. And we are left to wonder if Keller fell into the friendship trap with respect to Collins.

THE FLATTERER

John Bunyan describes the scene in his allegory where pilgrims could be caught in a trap because of their friendship with someone who turns out to be inconsistent or false in their Christian profession. Bunyan described such a person as the Flatterer. He wrote:

They say, “Flattery won’t get you anywhere”. But if we are not discerning, flattery will get other people everywhere. Wise pastors have long learned to spot flattery which can hide falsehood and inconsistency. Foolish pastors (and we can all be fooled) will let flattery lead them into a spread net (Prov 29:5).

CHURCH DISCIPLINE

Part of the problem with the friendship trap reveals itself when there is a weak practice of church discipline. Churches that only look at the level of social sophistication among their members will rarely ask questions about whether their personal beliefs and public actions match. Without church discipline and a culture of consistency, the clever and the well-mannered can get away with anything and keep their evangelical credentials.

OVER-EAGER

Cases of abuse and financial fraud are talked about all the time in church circles. Why is everyone getting duped? The answer may be due to a tendency to give nice people a pass. We can’t imagine that someone so easy to talk to, or pleasant to deal with could also be a predator or a crook. This can also happen when people with high titles and great responsibility present themselves as Christians and we can be over-eager to endorse their “witness”, even when it doesn’t match the bible’s testimony.

THE ELEVATION OF CIVILITY

The elevation of civility that is valued above truth threatens to blind Christians to worldly compromise in our midst. The answer to this problem demands more consistent and rigorous discipleship, that will also include discipline. This doesn’t mean that we value rudeness and vulgarity in the place of civility (Eph 4:29). What it means is that we seek consistency between Christian profession and expression. There must be works that coincide with true faith (James 2:14-22). The good fruit indicates a good root (Matthew 12:33). But we can’t call fruit good simply because it’s shiny (John 15:6). It may be rotten to the core.