The Respect of Men

The Respect of Men

There is a work by the historian Crawford Gribben documenting the experience of the English Puritan John Owen, the work is subtitled, “Experiences of Defeat”. After a recent competition when when my sons failed in their attempts, I commented to my wife that this was one of those milestones that every family has in their “experiences of defeat”.

Defeat in competition has always been a source of shame for men from days ancient to modern. However there are worse things than defeat. There is dishonor. Few men in the modern world are oriented to be concerned with honor instead of success.

It is no wonder that our world is a mess when charlatans and crooks choose personal success instead of honor. Whether incompetent politicians or the professional class lying in court, it seems that honor is in short supply if people can make a buck.

The Courtroom of Male Camaraderie

When it comes to teaching boys to be men, there must be a goal which is higher than goal on the field or on the ice or across the line or when the flag drops. The goal must be sought in the pursuit of honor. And the pursuit of honor can only be fulfilled in the courtroom of male camaraderie.

All sons should seek the respect of men.

Having performed poorly, not by lack of effort, but by lack of execution, my sons were discouraged with their results. In their case, they compete in the parochial equestrian niche of calf roping. It’s a highly specialized, highly skilled sport based on real-world applications in ranching that are unchanged from the nineteenth century. It’s technical like a golf swing, with variables of two animals (horse and calf), at high speed, with a threshold to completion under 10 seconds.

Lots can go wrong.

In my sons’ case, it did go wrong. But that “experience of defeat” was not the end of the story. The boys worked behind the scenes at the event for the rest of the day until late into the evening. They worked very hard when all the other workers left. The worked vigorously and competently. And they were recognized by the old, wizened men who had seen the same work done by numerous men over many years. When older men, professionals, past champions, were expressing their thanks, it meant something.

How can such a day be evaluated?

Was it simply an experience of defeat? No. The defeat was redeemed by the far greater, and more illusive goal, namely, “the respect of men.”

Maybe it is because of the fatherlessness of so many boys. Maybe it is because the fathers were fatherless themselves. No matter the reason, the fact remains that very few sons, young men, or even older men aspire to have the respect of men.

I told my sons after they came home late at night, dirty, bruised and sweaty, that I was immensely proud of them, and that they had done what few young men their age have ever accomplished. They had gained the respect of men.

Single Women and Young Wives

It is important for women to recognize that a man who gains the respect of other men is objectively reliable. He may have many flaws and defects, but if he has been able to work competently with honor, men will view him with respect. They will want to have him on their team, or they will follow him, or in some respects they will want to be him.

The respect of men is a great criteria for evaluating whether a man is marriable or not. Don’t just look at the “man in finance, trust fund, 6.5, blue eyes” criteria. If he’s a liar, a cheat or a user, he will not have the respect of men. He may be successful, but he won’t be respected.

The same goes for a young wife. It can be confusing to encourage your husband in doing things that are noble, even if being dishonorable could bring a bigger paycheck home. Young wives should not want their husbands to develop a mercenary heart. They shouldn’t be surprised if a mercenary husband divorces her to move on to a different wife. Such behavior is tragic and needless. When a man knows that his wife respects him, and he has the respect of men, then he is a fearless man in the world, capable of epic achievements.

The “Well Done” of the Master

Of course the most important respect of men that must be pursued is fearing God, who deserves all of our respect. In doing so, a man can live a life that honors God and is honorable. The result is that on the last day, he will say, “well done good and faithful servant…enter thou into the joy of thy lord”. (Matt 25:23). Being accepted by God means you don’t need anyone else’s acceptance.

This is why the respect of men is a small glimpse of what it means to be accepted by God. The difference is that we are only accepted by God on the basis of the honor of Jesus Christ, earned with his impeccable merit. When we are recognized by God the Father on the basis of the righteous deeds and life of Jesus, the Incarnate Son, we enjoy the indwelling of the Spirit of God, who gives us confidence to work glorious deeds, for his glory.